A Real Job - A Scene I wrote in Intro to Playwriting

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A Real Job by Roni Gayer

A Scene I wrote in Intro to Playwriting

Prompt –Give one of your characters a big passion. Have that character ask a big question, one difficult or even impossible to answer. Involve the spirits. Feel free to use props, relics, songs, chants -- as you see fit.

[It is a sunny afternoon in May. It is a clean and tidy living room and everything is in its place. It has never been this organized. In the center of the living room is a table with three chairs, and on the table there is a plate of storebought cookies and two mugs of coffee. Seated on two of the chairs are DANIELLE and HANNAH, two girls about the age of 18. They are eagerly waiting. They are not impatient, but they are waiting.]

Danielle: Who is she again?

Hannah: I told you, Danielle, she’s my dad’s friend’s new girlfriend. She usually charges for this service but because she knows me, she’s doing it for free.

Danielle: oh, wow, thank you.

Hannah: you’re welcome. She is amazing. She knows everything.

Danielle: (nervous but also dubious) Everything?

Hannah: I told you already. She looked at me, did her calculations, and said that we are “path mates” which means we are destined to be best friends.

Danielle: No, you said she asked you “who is Ellie” and we don’t know an Ellie.

Hannah: No. She asked “who is Ellie?” and I said I have a best friend that we sometimes call “Daniellie”. It’s close enough. Sometimes you have to interpret things. The numbers don’t say everything explicitly, you have to decipher them and that’s what she does. She knew. It’s all written.

Danielle: I guess

Hannah: Listen she’s doing us a favor; you don’t have to be here. Wait no. I’M doing you a favor. Both my time, and hers, are precious and I already had my numbers calculated, this is for you.

Danielle: No, I want to be here! I’m sorry I just thought the “Ellie” was a bit of a stretch.

Hannah: Well, when we’re with her, don’t doubt what she says.

Danielle: Obviously not. Well, it’s not like she will change my destiny, it’s all “written”.

(Hannah gives her a look)

Danielle: kidding!

Hannah: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has an impact on your destiny so just behave and don’t embarrass me. (a doorbell rings) Here she is!

[Hannah quickly and enthusiastically stands up and rushes to open the door. SHARONA, a woman about 50 years old but looks younger enters the stage. She is wearing big sunglasses, lots of jewelry and is nouveau riche. She is very tan, has dyed blonde hair, and maybe had plastic surgery.]

Hannah: Sharona! (hugs her) Hi! (Danielle stays seated and smiles politely)

Sharona: (hugs Hannah) My pretty! My doll!

Hannah: Thank you so much for meeting with us. (she escorts her to her chair) Sit down, I’ll make you coffee. I remember how you like it – nonfat milk and two splendas, extra extra hot. (Hannah is proud and pleased with herself for remembering and rushes to the kitchen, which is on stage, to make Sharona her coffee).

Sharona: Thank you doll. (to Danielle) Just because you’re Hannah’s friend I’m doing this.

Hannah: Danielle has heard all about your powers and she is so so so excited to meet you!

Danielle: (politely and somewhat automatically or robotically) thank you for your time, I really appreciate it.

Sharona: You know, I’m a very busy communicator. I would tell you who some of my clients are, you know some of the biggest names in the country that I am sure you are a fan of, but you know, confidential.

Hannah: (to Danielle) The president doesn’t do anything without meeting Sharona first. People don’t know it, but Sharona is like one of the most influential people in the country. Did you know we were supposed to be in a war with Russia right now? But guess who prevented it? (gestures her hand at Sharona)

Danielle: Wow… uh, thank you for your service.

(Hannah walks over from the kitchen back to the table and serves Sharona her coffee. She sits back down.)

Hannah: Do you know who was her client in 2006? Britney Spears. And Sharona gave Britney all kinds of advice but Britney didn’t listen and said that she thinks this is all made up and guess what happened? Yeah, you know it – the big 2007 meltdown. If only she listened to Sharona…

Danielle: What a shame.

Hannah: She also advised Steve Jobs when he launched iPhone-

Sharona: Hannah, that’s enough - you’re disclosing my age.

Hannah: Sorry.

Sharona: OK, Danielle. Hannah told me you want to be an actress.

Danielle: Yes. It’s my dream.

Hannah: She’s amazing you should see her on stage. She looks shy now, but when she’s in character it’s like “where did Danielle go?”

Danielle: Well yeah. That’s acting, but thanks.

Hannah: She got the lead role in every single production since we were sophomores! In both the fall and the spring play. Every time! THAT’s how good she is.

Sharona: Good for you, but honestly, that doesn’t tell me much. Do you go to auditions? Do you have an agent?

Danielle: I do but I haven’t booked anything yet… That’s why I’m here. I need to know when will be my big break. I need to find out if I’m actually good or did I just get roles because (is about to say something and catches herself), because of, uhh, luck.

Hannah: Sharona will be able to tell you. She has powers, she’s like a good witch.

Sharona: (flattered) Honey I don’t have powers and I’m not a witch. (nonchalant and trying to be humble) I just studied numerology so I can read the numbers and communicate them to you. I am just a mediator.

Hannah: She’s amazing. She said I’m going to inherit a lot of money over the summer and guess what happened?

Danielle: Your grandma died?

Hannah: What? No! God forbid. I was a lifeguard at the community pool. I made a ton of money.

Danielle: You always work as a lifeguard at the pool…

Hannah: but Sharona didn’t know that.

(Danielle is unimpressed and mostly confused. Sharona doesn’t notice and has a smug smile. She is enjoying Hannah’s enthusiasm.)

Sharona: Sweetheart can you get me a pen and a piece of paper, please?

Hannah: Of course! (She jumps up and rushes to get Sharona a pen and paper.)

Sharona: OK Danielle what’s your full name and date of birth?

Danielle: Danielle Weiss and my birthday is March 4th, 1999.

(Sharona repeats what Danielle has said and jots it down on the paper)

Sharona: 4+5 that’s 9, +5 that’s 14 which is 5 another 5 that’s 10 which is 1 +3+4 that’s 8 +7 that’s 15 which is a 6, plus another 6 that’s 12 which is 3, plus 3+1 that’s 4. OK, it’s all clear. Baby, you are a bright young girl, I can tell that without the numbers. You are now entering the year of 4.

Danielle: Is that bad?

Sharona: It’s not bad. But in the year of 3, you have harvested your fruit. You had a prolific period where you thrived. You are now entering a period of growth. You are planting your seeds but it will take time for them to grow and ripen. You need patience. You need to take this time to connect to yourself spiritually and not focus on your career or education.

Danielle: Well, it’s May. So like, in 7 months will I be able to pick the cherries or whatever you said?

Hannah: Harvest the fruit.

Sharona: It’s individual, it depends on your growth.

Danielle: But you said a year. Isn’t that a unit of time?

Sharona: it’s an expression of speech.

Danielle: Ok then. Well, what does that mean?

Sharona: I don’t see you acting in anything in the future, maybe in a long time but I can’t tell you when. It’s too distant.

Danielle: Well, isn’t there anything I can do to accelerate the growing process? Like a fertilizer or something?

Sharona: Manure, yes. You will go through some hardships and then you’ll sprout. In the year of 4, there will be rain and then mud. It will take time until you bloom.

Hannah: and you are a late bloomer.

Danielle: how much time? You can’t tell me that, can you?

(Hannah kicks her leg under the table)

Sharona: (unbothered by Danielle’s dubiousness, determined to find a relevant insight, glances hard at the paper full of numbers) Wait, I see here… Who is Elizabeth?

Danielle: (satisfied to see Sharona fail) I don’t know an Elizabeth.

Sharona: (suspicious and insisting) are you sure?

Danielle: (thinks and then realizes she does know an Elizabeth) There’s Beth. She’s my agent… (eager) What does it say? What do you see?

Sharona: It says here Beth, but (looks closely at the piece of paper) she’s fading away. She’s not going to be in your life for much longer it seems.

Hannah: Oh my goodness is Beth going to die?

Danielle: my agent says I need to book something in the next six months. Maybe your calculations are wrong.

Sharona: my calculations are not wrong it says it all here. Danielle Weiss, March 4th, 1999. You are in the year of 4, a year of growth. There’s Beth written faintly.

Danielle: Well, maybe she’s written faintly, but she’s going to be bolder in the future. Maybe she’s going to have a much more dominant presence in my life?

Sharona: Doesn’t seem like it, for now at least.

Danielle: OK well, (epiphany – she has found a plot twist) what if we spell Weiss with one S? It can also be spelled with one S. Just because my parents spell it with two S’es doesn’t mean I am in the year of four.

Sharona: It does not work like that. You are Danielle Weiss with two Ses. It’s all written.

Danielle: of course “it’s written”, you wrote it down on a piece of paper.

(Hannah shoots her another look. Sharona is used to this attitude and doesn’t lose her cool)

Sharona: It is written in the numbers; I don’t have control over it.

Danielle: (She takes a deep breath to not explode on Sharona and Hannah. She progressively loses her cool, her volume increases and the speed accelerates.) My agent says I need to book something in the next six months. We’ll be graduating high school in a month and then I’ll be moving out of teen representation and without a gig, I won’t be able to move to adult representation. And then there’s no agent, no auditions, no acting. When we’re out of high school, I won’t be acting because there’s no “theatre department” after high school and no fall or spring play. I need to act. I’ve done and I will do whatever it takes. But, what if I was only good in terms of high school? What if I’m just an average actress? What if I wasted all this time on something pointless? Is theater not my destiny? Without theater, I have no purpose. There’s no meaning of life if I don’t perform-

Hannah: You’re being so dramatic, obviously (gestures at her) you’re an actress. It will just take you time to book something. Patience.

Danielle: Emily Jacobs is booking shows, she’s realizing her potential. Am I not better than Emily Jacobs?

Sharona: comparing yourself is not going to help, that is why you are entering the year of four. You need to connect to yourself spiritually and grow.

Hannah: Emily Jacobs is good but she’s also like the luckiest person I know. She really has it all.

Danielle: So if I wasn’t born on March 4th, 1999 and I wasn’t named Danielle Weiss, then maybe I would have been a big star by now?

Sharona: Well, yes. That’s how the numbers work. It’s all about timing. The numbers have power. The letters have power. You have to accept it and follow the path.

Danielle: well, if there’s nothing I can do about it, then why am I here?

Hannah: Danielle, calm down.

Sharona: I can’t change anything; I’m just communicating to you what it all says.

Danielle: And you really believe that?

Hannah: numerology is much more credible than astrology

Sharona: maybe this is a blessing in disguise, and you can get a real job.

Danielle: A REAL JOB? A REAL JOB?!

(Danielle, outraged by the suggestion to look for a ‘real’ career from a numerologist, grabs the iced coffee and spills it on the piece of paper. Sharona and Hannah gasp and check their clothing. Relieved, the coffee only spilled on the table, but they are distressed.)

Danielle: What do you see now? Do you know how to coffee read to or do you just know how to count numbers and tell me that it will take time? Anyone can tell me that!

Hannah: Sharona, I am so sorry. You know how passionate these artists can get and what kind of divas actors can be (shoots Danielle a look)

Sharona: (takes a deep breath, remains nonchalant, but inside she’s furious) I see you are unsatisfied with the answers I provided you –

Danielle: There were no answers!

Sharona: If you are desperate to know the truth, Danielle, perhaps you’d like me to ask you, do you have an employee or landlord named Billy?

Hannah: (to Danielle) Look what you did Danielle, you ruined her calculations. (to Sharona) Sharona, she doesn’t have an employee Billy, she doesn’t work. We’re in high school. And she doesn’t have a landlord, she lives in a private house. The coffee messed it all up. Good job, Danielle.

Sharona: I actually do coffee readings and I now see a Billy. And an envelope. A recurring payment. Fall and Spring. Every year. Danielle, who is Billy?

Danielle: (makes eye contact with Sharona. She feels caught. She doesn’t know how to respond) it doesn’t work. I’m sorry about your coffee. I should leave. (She starts assembling her belongings, but Sharona interrupts her)

Sharona: It’s fine, but you didn’t answer who is Billy. And why is he holding an envelope. This might help us get the answers you want. I never let my clients leave unsatisfied.

Hannah: So considerate

Danielle: (looks down, resists making eye contact) I have no idea why you are seeing a Billy and an envelope. I have nothing to do with it.

Sharona: Are you sure?

Hannah: The only Billy we know is Mr. Thomas, the head of the drama department. Why would Danielle pay him every fall and spring?

(Sharona raises an eyebrow, looks at Hannah, and then shifts to Danielle, waiting for her to answer)

Danielle: I don’t know what you’re talking about

Hannah: Why would Danielle pay Mr. Thomas? The school funds our theater production, anyone can participate for free.

Sharona: Maybe anyone can participate, but not everyone participates the same. Not everyone gets the lead every single year, in both the fall and spring play, since they were a sophomore. Isn’t that right?

(Danielle is frozen. Her mouth is open, but no words are coming out. Hannah looks at Danielle, then looks at Sharona, and then looks back at Danielle. She is concentrating hard and eventually, everything adds up)

Hannah: (looks and points at Danielle) Did you…? (shifts her head to Sharona and points at Danielle) Did she…? (looks straight, thinking, and lifts her head with the epiphany) Danielle bribed Mr. Thomas! (Shifts her head to Danielle) Danielle! You’re awful! (turns head to Sharona) Sharona! You’re amazing! Wow!

Danielle: You believe that? You think I bribed to get leads in high school theater productions because some lady who says she can add numbers and look at a coffee cup said so???

Hannah: (bitter and reprimanding) sophomores never get the lead. Unless they bribe apparently.

Sharona: Numerology and coffee readings are 98% effective.

Danielle: Where’d you bring that statistic from? A birth control pamphlet?!

Hannah: It is a science and it is credible.

Sharona: and it’s true, it says it right here. (points at a coffee stain)

Danielle: I just need to know if I’m actually talented and have potential…

(Danielle is in tears, she looks down, and starts ripping and tearing up the wet piece of paper like a kid tears up grass in the field.)

Sharona: Honey, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re a fraud

Danielle: I didn’t have a choice-

Hannah: uh… you could have signed up for an audition LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?

Danielle: But I had to get the lead

Hannah: Whoever is most talented has to get the lead

Danielle: But I’m talented, you said so yourself

Hannah: Maybe you were only talented cause you had the lead. Emily Jacobs could’ve been a much better Elle Woods.

Danielle: It’s the one thing that makes me happy… (she mourns the end of the career she never had)

Sharona: Well, now that you have your answers, I must get going.

(she stands up to leave and then remembers)

Oh, and remember how I said I’m only meeting with you because you are Hannah’s friend? I see that you two are not friends anymore and I also understand that you actually can afford my services, having paid for the lead in your little school productions twice a year; so there is no need for me to be so generous today. I will send you the bill.

Hannah: Do you need her address?

Sharona: I have it. It’s all written.

[Freeze. BLACK]